


Not Expecting

by PastelBun



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley has a lot of vessels but had to use a random one in emergency, Crowley has made a mistake and just needs Zira to come get him and stop asking questions, Gen, Satanists are the WORST, because vessels sort of work how they do in spn because this used to be part of a hybrid au, but i loath spn and just want to use the vessel mechanic, vessel hopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 07:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15746781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastelBun/pseuds/PastelBun
Summary: Aziraphale nearly falls from his chair when the phone rings. To say he'd been on edge since Crowley wen't AWOL would be an understatement. Scrambling for the phone the angel picks up without hesitation."I'm pregnant." That was definitely Crowley's voice but Aziraphale is not sure if he heard that right, which would be very odd because being an angel meant he had excellent hearing."Ah, Whot?" Are the only words that Aziraphale can manage. The absolute ridiculousness of the statement had completely clouded the relief of hearing the Demons voice again."I need you to come and get me, Angel.""Wait. Hold on. Did you say pregnant?""Zira, I don't have time for this. I'm over at the pub by—""No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. No. What? You can't just ring me up after being missing for a week and—""Aziraphale!""No! I'm not coming to get your arse 'til you tell me what in gods name is going on. You're pregnant?! You can't—that's not possible? Your vessel's got a willy last time I checked. There's nowhere for a baby to even—""Different vessel, Zira. Different vessel."





	Not Expecting

Aziraphale nearly falls from his chair when the phone rings. To say he'd been on edge since Crowley wen't AWOL would be an understatement. Scrambling for the phone the angel picks up without hesitation.

"I'm pregnant." That was definitely Crowley's voice but Aziraphale is not sure if he heard that right, which would be very odd because being an angel meant he had excellent hearing*.

"Ah, Whot?" Are the only words that Aziraphale can manage. The absolute ridiculousness of the statement had completely clouded the relief of hearing the Demons voice again.

"I need you to come and get me, Angel."

"Wait. Hold on. Did you say _pregnant?_ "

"Zira, I don't have time for this. I'm over at the pub by—"

"No, no, no, _no_. I'm sorry. No. What? You can't just ring me up after being missing for a week and—"

"Aziraphale!"

"No! I'm not coming to get your arse 'til you tell me what in His name is going on. You're pregnant?! You can't—that's not possible? Your vessel's got a willy last time I checked. There's nowhere for a baby to even—"

"Different vessel, Zira. Different vessel."

"Why? Did you get that vessel pregnant? Can't you just, stop that from happening if you want? Like some sort of infernal birth control. Why would you go and get a poor girl pregnant. That's incredibly irresponsible Anthony."

"She was pregnant before I possessed her, okay!"

"Why on earth did you possess a _pregnant_ woman."

"I didn't know she was pregnant! Can you please just—"

"You didn't know? Oh dear, you've gotten sloppy. It doesn't seem very like you to not pick up on that sort of detail before choosing a vessel."

"I didn't have the time! Now, will you—"

"Didn't have the time? What's going on, dear? You're in trouble, aren't you? What did you do?"

"…" Crowley considers yanking the receiver from the pay phone and drop kicking it into the street.

"Crowley, love?"

"If you come and get me I promise to explain everything."

"Alright. Alright."

\--

Aziraphale arrives much later than Crowley had hoped for. Of course, with Aziraphale driving like a snail's grandmother it wasn't all that surprising. Crowley yanks open the door of the car and gets in. Aziraphale is staring.

"How… I don't understand how you possibly looked at this woman and didn't notice she was pregnant."

"Look, I had a run in with some rather… uncooperative business partners. They got upset with some of the results of their contract. It's not my fault if they don't read the fine print. Unfortunately I was unaware they had connections to someone with high level magic with some particularly nasty pets and I needed to lay low a while. I had to hop vessels unexpectedly. Which is a real shame because I don't think I'll be getting the one I left behind back."

"Oh dear, it wasn't the one with the good cheekbones, was it?" Aziraphale is seemingly unfazed by the fact that Crowley gravely voice was coming from such a body.

"No, no. It was the one with the odd elbows."

"Ah, well, I never did quite fancy that one."

"Anyways, it's been difficult to find the right kind of vessel to lay low in and I knew they were drawing closer. I needed a way to hide my presences. Of course, I didn't have enough juice to do it myself because… I was under a lot of stress. We'll leave it at that."

"Uh-huh." Aziraphale knew exactly what that meant. Crowley was using again.

"Then I got lucky."

"You got lucky?" Aziraphale sounds unconvinced.

"I heard someone calling. And well, alright maybe not all _that_ lucky, they were _satanists_." Crowley cringes. "But they weren't just trying to summon something. They were trying to seal it inside someone. I didn't have a lot of time. So I thought it would be my best bet at masking my presences."

"And you didn't notice this woman was pregnant. How far along is she?"

"6 months." Crowley groans. "Look, I didn't have a choice. Would you rather I be torn to shreds by some asshole magical lapdog?"

"Why were satanists trying to possess a pregnant woman?"

"Because satanists are _bloody morons_. They thought if she got possessed her child would become the anti-christ!" Crowley cries exasperated, throwing up his arms. "What kind of twat thinks you just got to get a bitch pregnant and then have her get possessed to release the anti-christ onto the world? Satanists, that's who. Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised. I should have expected this. But somehow the level of their ignorance and stupidity seems to impress me even more as each day passes."

"How did you escape?"

"Ah," Crowley grins a little. "They were a bunch of nerds. All talk and no fight. Kicked their arses the old fashion way. By kicking."

Aziraphale almost laughs and Crowley groans.

"So, you're stuck in her for the time being then?"

"Yes." Crowley puts a hand over his face. "And powerless. But at least I'm invisible. Warded, whatever. Bless me, how do humans deal with this awful shite procreation business?"

"I think it's quite interesting." A smug look finds it's way onto Aziraphale's face. "The miracle of child birth is supposed to be a quite beautiful process."

"Oh shut your holy mouth, Angel. What you read in your books is nothing like the real thing."

"Oh, I see. So you're the expert on it then."

"I'm the one whose in the pregnant vessel."

"Suppose, you've got a point. Though I'm not sure you've been in there long enough to give it a fair assessment. It could be fun if you give it a chance."

"It could be fun—" Crowley opens his mouth and glares at Aziraphale. "Do you hear yourself? Men are the worst. Maybe even worse than Satanists."

"Men?" Aziraphale raises an eyebrow[**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15746781#work_endnotes).

"Oh, you know what I mean. Don't be like the patriarchy. You're better than that Zira." Crowley squirms uncomfortable in his seat. "Would you just drive faster already so we can get somewhere where we can deal with this?"

"Are you sure about that?"

"Am I sure about that? Of course I'm bloody sure about it. For Hellssake I don't want to stuck in here 'til the little monster pops out of this bird!"

"Alright, alright." Aziraphale begins to pick up speed.

Crowley immediately regrets this.

"I… changed my mind." Crowley's got one hand over his mouth and the other gripping the dashboard.

Aziraphale smiles. "Of course, love."

**Author's Note:**

> *Unless of course he was engrossed in a particularly fascinating piece of literature, in which case not even a brother's trumpet playing couldn't catch his attention.
> 
> **Aziraphale is, technically speaking, not a man. He's an Angel and Angels do not exist within the confines of gender. That is, with the exception of a few that have adopted various identities due to prolonged experience with mankind. While Angels are mostly gender neutral, due to many years of mistranslation and clerical errors they are referred to as he in the English language and no one has really bother to put any footnotes to indicate the general public that 'he' is intended in the gender neutral sense.


End file.
